J and C are Not Afraid
by ghosteye99
Summary: Post-Endgame Crack!fic: Chakotay, Kathryn, Q and a poke at the 2012 Phenomena. In a Dead-End Alternate Universe Out There Somewhere, Janeway and Chakotay learn it really was the End of the World as We Know It (and Q feels fine).


**Title: **J and C are Not Afraid

**Author: **Ghosteye99

**Rating:** M (sexual references)

**Theme:** Romance/Humor/Parody

**Summary: **Post-Endgame. Chakotay, Kathryn, Q, REM lyrics and the 2012 Phenomena.

**Warning:** Crack!fic _and_ Songfic (of a sort – I'm experimenting with lyrics insertion, so there is a lot of song-butchering to fit the story). Parts of it won't make much sense unless you read the lyrics to the REM song "It's the End of the World as We Know It." And I'd better also warn that there's also some fluff in it, too. And a minor swear-word.

**Notes:** Written just because today happens to be December 21, 2012. You Know, when the world is supposed to end.

**Disclaimer: **Characters and setting in this story belong to Paramount Pictures, not me. The lyrics used in it belong to REM and I.R.S Music. No profit is being made from this story, nor is any harm intended. This is a fanfiction, not Canon.

**J and C are Not Afraid**

Chakotay felt his wife snuggle into him, as they listened to the late evening audio broadcasts. After nearly four years of married life, there was still a lingering honeymoon feeling between them. He still never tired of the feel of her body against him… or her hands, or any part of her. Reaching around, he drew a finger lazily through the short, practical bob she preferred to wear nowadays.

"Are you sure?" he asked her, and against the dip of his shoulder, he could feel her cheeks pull into a smile.

"I could be wrong," she murmured, "but all the signs are there this time, and I've got a good feeling about it."

"I suppose we'll find out for sure tomorrow," he replied, "and if it's confirmed… Mfff!"

Chakotay did not finish his sentence, for Kathryn had just flipped over and crawled on top of him with surprising agility, and was now straddling him on knees and elbows, covering his mouth with an eager kiss. Her manoeuvre lifted the quilts meant to keep out the late December chill, but there was still enough warmth left over from the log fire in their cabin bedroom for that not to kill the mood. He accepted her invitation, and reached up to slide his hands under the loose satin shift she wore, then up along her flanks, making their way towards her …

"_And in further history trivia, today also marks the three hundred and seventy-first anniversary of a minor event in the early Twenty-First century known as the '2012 Phenomena'. It was widely believed at the time that …_"

Kathryn kissed him again, with a lot more urgency, and Chakotay knew that it was definitely Game On tonight. Reluctantly, he let go of her mammaries for a moment to deal with his pyjama pants (since marrying, he'd thought about switching to wearing a nightshirt, but he still thought they looked too silly to be worth the extra convenience. Anyway, he was getting quite good at it lately – it only took a few seconds to have his essentials free and his hands back where he wanted them). As he grabbed the hem to yank them down, something from the broadcast caught his attention…

"…_the Ancient Mayans predicted that the world would come to a sudden and catastrophic end on December the twenty first, 2012. The same day that their own long-count calendar ended_ …"

"No!" he muttered, his hands suddenly grinding to a halt half-way down his hips.

"No … that's bullshit! We didn't predict _anything_ like that; it was only a transition from the previous five thousand year cycle to this one. Our calendar is still active! Kathryn," he said, as he (carefully) pulled his pyjamas back over his privates, and got out of bed. "I just need to use the workstation for a moment!"

"If you must, Chakotay!" she muttered, flopping onto her back and frustratedly running a hand through her hair. "But please be quick about it!"

"I will,' he promised.

-o0o-

True to his word, Chakotay did not take long in his mission.

"I've messaged the broadcaster, and clarified a few cultural facts," he said cheerfully, as he climbed back into bed. "I'm glad," Kathryn replied, reaching up to pull him back to her. "Now … as you were, Captain…"

"Aye, Admiral!" …and within a minute, things were progressing nicely again. This time, they took it slow – neither wanting to rush the matter and halve the fun. The bed was warm, the air in the cabin was just starting to chill a bit more, and the hot touch of their bodies against their skin was so pleasant … and stimulating. For Chakotay, his recent victory in the war against cultural ignorance only sweetened the experience more. "Just think …" he whispered roughly, as he felt Kathryn's kisses tracking relentlessly down his chest; "Three hundred and seventy-one years ago … people actually believed that this planet … was about to be destroyed … without any … proven … physical … evidence …"

Kathryn lifted her head up from a kiss on his navel; "And even now, in the twenty-fourth century, there are still many people who are by far too credulous" she said, a little sadly.

"I know," he replied, caressing her shoulders as she resumed her pilgrimage. "But then … I suppose … in some alternate universe …"

There was a flash of light.

"And wouldn't you two lovebirds like to know?" Q drawled; lying propped up on one elbow across the fireplace rug.

"Q!" Kathryn and Chakotay hissed in unison, while gathering up what bits of quilt they could grab to cover themselves.

"Oh, both of you; don't be so prudish!" he replied. "I would have been quite happy to just sit back leave you to it. I promise I wouldn't have interfered. Maybe …" he cocked an eyebrow "… I could have even picked up a few tips. One's never too ancient or omnipotent to learn new tricks, after all."

"Get. Out!" Kathryn hissed. "This is _not _a good time or place, Q! _And_ you'd better not have been spying on us!"

"Oh, but Kathy!" he purred, oblivious to the Death-Glare and the Seething Mask on the bed across the room. "You, of all people … stuck in that little nest of an office. I know how badly you want to expand …"

He paused just long enough to let Kathryn puzzle over his words …

"…Expand your knowledge and horizons that is … I'm not talking about the 'other' thing that youre rather desperately hormonal mind is probably imagining."

His lip curled slightly in distaste as he mentioned the word 'other'. Chakotay looked puzzled, but Kathryn narrowed her eyes, and raised her chin. So Q _had_ been spying … on her office, at least. Which was totally out of line; yes, ok … it _had_ become more than a little cluttered with baby holos and toddler scribbles sent in by her old _Voyager_ crew as _they_ gradually got _their_ own lives back together. But she _had_ been professional enough to keep them out of her workstation's visual range … then she forced herself back to the point.

"What are you planning to do with us, Q?"

"Why, I'll take you to a reality where the world did end on this day," he replied, "Three hundred and seventy-one years ago. _The end of the world, as we know it!_"

With a wave of his hand, Chakotay and Kathryn were fully dressed in the winter clothes worn by most twenty-first century English-speakers. She lifted her foot to stare at the ridiculous looking running shoes that had been popular in the day. "At least the colour of the reflectors match my top," she muttered, studying the fluffy baby-pink hoodie she also wore. "Are you _sure_ that was the fashion for women of my age in the Twenty-tens?"

"Oh, details … details," Q said. "Look at Chuckles … he isn't complaining!"

Indeed, Chakotay _was_ looking reasonably happy with his all-black sneakers, jeans, jacket, scarf and beanie.

"Well, at least we shouldn't freeze to death," he noted.

"If I recall, the weather in much of the Northern hemisphere on the day was rather wet in most realities," Q added, and there was another flash of light as an umbrella appeared in their hands – black for Chakotay, baby-pink for Kathryn - matching their clothes. "Now," he said, "Let's go!"

They rematerialised in a bare, slush-covered field on the outskirts of a town. It was night.

"Seems pretty ordinary so far," Kathryn said.

"Shhh!" Q hissed, and looked at a wrist watch. "It's just after seven in the evening. Pay attention, both of you," he drawled, "the party's just about to start!"

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, Kathryn and Chakotay heard a faint noise, like a distant truck moving toward them. Seconds later, they noticed the ground had begun to vibrate.

"_That's great!_" Q exclaimed, "_It starts with an earthquake!_"

"Q!" Kathryn exclaimed, as the ground began to shake more violently. "Explain what's happening!" She noticed the wind had also suddenly picked up.

"_Birds and snakes_," Q shouted, pointing to a half-frozen snake struggling to leave its hole, and then to a flock of panicked birds that had just flown blindly from a tree. "Oh, and _an aeroplane_" he added, looking up at a cluster of blinking lights passing over them. By now, both the earthquake and wind had intensified, and Chakotay and Kathryn were hanging on to each other for support.

"_Lenny Bruce_ _is not afraid_," Q said, shaking an admonishing finger at the huddled couple.

"Whose _he?_" Chakotay asked. "We'll look him up in the database after we get back," Kathryn replied. "Q," she shouted above the noise of the gale, "what is causing this?"

But Q was gazing off in one direction. "Ah," he said, "Here it comes!" He looked back at them, and casually pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. "_Eye of a hurricane_," he said.

"_What?_" Kathryn and Chakotay yelled over the storm.

"_Oh, listen to yourselves churn_," Q sneered, "_The world serves its own needs, regardless of your own needs. _Just_ feed it up a knock_!"

"What do you mean by that?" Chakotay shouted.

"_Light a candle, light a motive_," Q said, hissing into his ear. "Do you have the s_peed_, the _grunt_ to survive this? … _No_! The _strength?_ … _No!_"

Suddenly, something large and heavy whizzed past them. Kathryn and Chakotay ducked away just in time; Q simply dematerialised, then came back. In the darkness, they could just see a large wooden ladder slam into a tree, and break into pieces.

"Storm debris!" Kathryn shouted. "We need to find shelter now!"

"_Ladder structure clatter with fear of height_," Q shrugged. Pointing to a dip in the ground nearby, he said "So we definitely go _down height_. After all …" he pointed up. They saw for the first time that they were almost under a power pole, and one of its wires had been torn loose by the increasing gale, and was now whipping and sparking around in the storm. At its base, a burnt-out car was parked. Any lull in the wind, they knew, and that live wire could come down, on or near them …

"_Wire in a fire_," Q observed. "_Automotive incinerate!_ Come, follow me … _Step down, step down!_"

He casually strolled down to the dip in the ground he'd pointed out – Kathryn and Chakotay barely able to stay upright now, and wishing he'd walk faster. At the bottom of the dip was a collection of heavy concrete pipes laid crossways to the wind, they'd probably been put there to be used in a construction. They gratefully got inside one that was right in the middle of a cluster of them, and sat together. Kathryn pulled the hood back over her head (the wind had blown it off), and quietly muttered a Klingon curse-phrase that Chakotay wondered if she'd picked up from B'Elanna.

"What happened to Earth after this?" Kathryn asked Q.

Q shrugged. "_A government for hire, and a combat site_," he replied. "_Book burning, blood letting. Every motive escalate_. And _a tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies_… In other words" he continued, "merely more of the same."

"And the _cause?_" Kathryn said – catching something in Q's expression. "_Q?_" she asked; her suspicions now aroused. "Did _you_ have anything to do with this? Answer me!"

Q sighed. "_Left her; wasn't coming in a hurry with the furies breathing down my neck_." He grumbled. "But …" he looked out of the pipe, into the storm. "_Slash and burn, return_," he shrugged, and looked at Chakotay and Kathryn; "_listen to yourselves churn_," he repeated.

"You had a fight with your ex." Kathryn stated. "The world ended just because of a spat between two Q."

"Oh, you don't understand, Kathy!" Q said. "She just needed to blow off some steam. Get her angries out. What's one expendable little reality? _The other night I tripped a nice continental drift divide_ for her. Anyway, it's not like this is the only universe your precious Earth exists in. There's plenty more where this …" he waved his arm out to the storm, "…came from."

"Suffering is still suffering, wherever it occurs." Chakotay cut in, "and there is little to justify pain and losses inflicted for trivial or pointless reasons."

"_Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline!_ Oh, you Humans are such hypocrites," Q sneered, and gestured to the outside again. "_Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed. Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right – right?_" He leaned forward, elbow on one knee. "_You,_ Kathy … so _vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, all bright light_ … and you, Cha-ko-tay! _Lock him in uniform!_ _No fear - cavalier. Renegade and steer clear!_ I bet right now, you're both _feeling pretty psyched_."

"I would like to go home," Kathryn said – and looked up to Chakotay, who nodded. "We've both seen more than enough, and we would like to go back - now!"

"But all you've done is duck a ladder and hide in a pipe!" Q whined, "Can't you at least stay around for another three hours or so? That'll be long enough for you to see the planet Nibiru's approach. It really was quite spectacular, not to mention the rain molten debris from the ensuing eruptions …"

"No!" Chakotay and Kathryn shouted together.

"_Six o'clock - TV hour?_" Q offered, "_Watch a heel crush, team by team reporters baffled?_" He waved a hand, and an old mid-twentieth century television screen materialised out of the curve of concrete. "Now, if I just set the channel and adjust the vertical hold, you'll be able to see everything from the comfort of this shelter…"

"No," Kathryn said. "Take us home."

Q looked stubbornly at her. "Please, Q" she said, and his expression softened. "Oh, all right!" he said, "I suppose I can't allow you to become too exited in your current delicate state, after all ... Although I could speed that process along for you if you want, so you can return to your little love nest already holding …"

"No!" They both said – and then, realising what Q meant in that last comment, looked at each other, and smiled for the first time since Q had dragged them into this dead-end reality. It looked like what they'd suspected was true – there really _was_ going to be another Admiral's brat in the Janeway clan. Still, they would wait on what the Doctor would say tomorrow.

"But will you promise me something?" Q asked.

"What is it that you want?" Kathryn asked, softly.

"Please invite me and Junior to their first birthday!" he begged. "_A Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom!_"

Kathryn's eyes widened at the mention of 'their'. But her composure returned, and she looked at Chakotay, and nodded. "Okay," Chakotay said, firmly. "You and your son may attend their first birthday party. But you must promise us that you will both behave yourselves, and cause no one any injury or damage. Can you both do that?"

"We promise!" Q chirped, and in a flash, Kathryn and Chakotay were back in their own universe, and their own bed. "Don't forget the promise," Q added, and then he vanished into the cabin wall. A few minutes later, the two of them finally realised they could relax.

"I think he really is going to leave us alone for a while," Chakotay said.

"I sure hope so," Kathryn replied, "because if he ever turns up in my sight during the next few months or so, I may not be responsible for my actions."

Chakotay chuckled warmly at that statement, and held Kathryn closer to himself…

…meanwhile, Q was back on the power pole, whooping with delight as the ominous sphere of Nibiru slowly filled the sky. He could already see the first drops of molten lava falling around him – they did look quite spectacular. It was such a pity that Kathy didn't want to see it for herself.

"_It's the end of the world as we know it_," he yelled into the hurricane-force storm, "_And I feel fine_..."

-o0o-

_Epilogue (Eighteen Months later): Q and Son's presence at the twin's first birthday party wasn't as disastrous as their parents feared, but they were still both very relieved when those guests finally took their leave. And Kathryn took the hint when several of her Starfleet Command colleagues gave her holo albums and scrapbooks for the Christmas after. The walls of her office were, after all, getting so crowded with the recent flood of new baby holos that, at that rate, she would soon have had to start covering her office windows with them._

**- The End-**

A/N: Information about the 2012 phenomena I got from Wikipedia. Any words that Q says in italics are based on the REM song lyrics. Non-Italic words Q speaks are my own.


End file.
